Paralyzed

There was a time at the beginning of my post graduate program when I was trying to decide about living alone. I remember one night lying in aunt’s attic bedroom in the dark and computing expenses all the way to the end of the year just so that I was sure I could afford such a change. I knew it was the right thing to do, to go out there and learn how to manage my own life. But the correctness of the decision wasn’t sufficient enough for me to make it and move on. I had to work it all in my head and make sure I was not missing anything.

I am consumed by jealousy when I watch people make life altering decisions in a fleeting moment and move on with their choice. Most times this works out very well for people. Even in my case I have found that in spite of all the analysis that I do, my first impressions have usually been right. So then why am I so paralyzed at every step of the way?

I wish I could make decisions based on first impressions. Make those decisions and live to learn with its consequences. Isn’t that what “living in the moment” really means? I have to start making choices rather than keep my “options” open. I need to be more decisive and above all I need to believe in my ability to make the right choices and even if they are not the right choices, be able to make amends and move on.

I hope to get there one day.

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